I'm still here!
Instead, I bought some cheap acrylic WW yarn (Vanna's Choice) in colors somewhat similar to the ones in the picture (a pumpkin orange, sage green, brown, and dusty blue), and proceeded to design my own 2x2 ribbed cable scarf, letting the cables unwind in the middle of the scarf to make life easier, and trying to make it look enough like the picture that Family Friend wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Towards the beginning of the project, I was forced to explain to the yarn (and the pattern, which I was not following) why I was the boss of it: it being the inanimate object and me being The Designer, able to make sovereign decisions and seemingly insane changes to the pattern, even asymmetrical changes, with impunity. It was incredibly freeing and I loved the results. :)